Mixed Satisfaction, Mixed Guilt

I wake up and my stomach drops
My heart pounding non-stop
As guilt washes over me from the news I sought
I sit and ponder if I feel on top

I feel a sense of entitlement
I feel a sense of excitement
I feel a sense of satisfaction
In hopes I let him have it

But then it seeped down in my soul
I heard his voice, how could I let this go
And now I know
I was instantly living in the past
Spending too much time watching it crash

My guilt is wrapped around joy
That freed my misery where there lies a void
I just knew this would end us
I'd be free of all loves vices and its pain that holds prices

But like he always does
He snapped back, forgiving me in the same breath
All I could do was hold his heart in the palm of my hand
As he means no harm doing the best he can

All in light of this I still don't see an ending
To something so bittersweet
I guess love can withstand even me
When it's meant to be

Ben E. King -- Stand by Me

**Refer to "Protection"

It's Never Too Late For The Introduction

I would just like to thank anyone out there who's reading my blog and who has accepted me as a new comer. All this is intriguing to me and I will have more to come in the near future. I have so many thoughts and ideas to get out there my head just may explode. I have plenty written now to get it all out in real time.

A little about me, I am headstrong, stubborn, very much so opinionated, by all means I mean well. And what I mean by that I tell it like it is, by Ms. Gura standards. I am not here to judge but I am here to state my case. A lot of personality and observations goes into what I write so I hope you guys enjoy.

I am a Virgo baby, WOOT WOOT charming and organized. I am 28 years young and I have a daughter who is the most sweetest, soft spoken angel ever alive. Lord knows she does not get it from me, XD. Although I can be pretty unique. My favorite saying is "Allocated to an acquired taste". Not many people really get who I am or where I am coming from. So for those that understand it speaks volumes to me, I try to keep those people close because there is something special inside them that pronounces me.

I attract the craziest personalities and my mamma who has passed away a year and a half now use to tell me, "Yummy you better be careful because some of the craziest, weirdest people come into your life." I want to take that and tell the world about some of my experiences and life lessons.

I have several things I am interested in I can never pick, so I do a little bit of it all. Writing for one, creating, dance, technology, helping, etc. I really dig helping out the young adults in life because they are very vulnerable at that time in there lives and I know what hardship is like. So I am there to inspire inspiration, love, real life awareness and hopes, kind of what you will see in my blogs.

I may do a blog strictly for poetry, I'll keep everyone updated.

PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO COMMENT OR ASK QUESTIONS. I LOVE FEED BACK!

The Secret Hater

She told him, “Make sure she’s not strong arming you to be with her, make sure you’re with her because you want to be there, otherwise she’s making you and you’ll end up leaving her, because she doesn’t know how to convince you.”

I have two things to say to that:

1      1. Don’t judge me based on a few phone calls and misconstrued text messages, or the tad bit of information you get from the informer. Even if you watched my whole life before your eyes, you still wouldn’t get a whiff of who I really am. Because you’re just seeing what you believe, you don’t really know me.

2    2. He’s not the one you have to worry about satisfying, I am. I shouldn’t have to convince anyone of anything, it’s just.

She told him. “She’s using her daughter as bait. She’s moving knowing your attachment to her and she knows you’ll follow.”

I have two things to say to that:

1    1. Last I checked he didn’t like kids

2    2. I don’t need to use my child to trap any man, if anything my pride is too huge, in situations like these I’m out to prove I don’t need anyone’s help and a man is the last person I’d count on.

She told him, “Girls don’t usually like men, so if she likes you it’s because her dad is not giving her attention or he’s not around.”

I have two things to say to that:

     1.  My daughter is the most kind hearted person in the world, she see’s good in everyone.

2   2. Her father is very present in her life; you shouldn’t speak on things you don’t know.

If it’s one thing I hate, it’s a nosy, misjudging person. I ask this question everyday why is there a conversation about me when I’m not present? To him I’m self-absorbed, because this conversation is in fact about him, with an inquiring mind about me. So I must excuse her because she is making sure he makes the right choices for the right reasons. Translation, she’s making sure he makes his choices based on her opinions that she keeps pounding in his head.

Well damn, thank God for me, I have faith he will choose his own path and become a man in some way, shape or form. How do you expect so much out of someone if you won’t let them grow up to be a man? So, while I’m strong arming, manipulating, and trying to find a daddy for my daughter, what are you doing to make his life any better?

Let’s get a few things in order:

First of all, I don’t like fake, anything fake, fake hair, fake nails, fake eye brows. I may get curious, but I get tired quick. I don’t like fake people, fake love, fake, emotions, fake character, I may deal with it on some level (cause you can’t really get away from it) but eventually I get bored and I come back to my cubbyhole. So, if I have to result to strong arming someone that’s not true love and I want no parts of it. It has to come from the heart, mind, body, and soul. Which brings me to this, I’m the one you have to worry about walking away, I’m that girl that no one has been able to catch. Like I said you don’t know me, but he does, and he’s keeping me well balanced.

Secondly, considering he doesn’t like children and he’s taking a liking to my child; show’s growth, attachment, discovery from a person who couldn’t identify with the fundamentals for affection in the first place. Look at it as an investment of love, and investment of opening up a door so private it was once hot glued shut. He finally cares about something other than himself and you shut him down for it.

And last but certainly not least, my daughter is so sweet, I have to watch her extra close. They took a special liking to each other very early on and it just stuck. Take it as face value. That’s all there is to it. In addition, my child is not some pawn in a game. It’s not who ever treats her best is the father for her. Her father is very much still involved in her life, and is a huge influence. I don’t need a replacement nor am I looking for a replacement. If I have to bait a man in any shape or form, then I don’t need a man.

I’m not saying I don’t need a man, but I more than want this one. I need him in a sense like I’ve never needed a man before. To love, take care of me, be there for me, to respect me as a woman, humble me, accept me as I am, and take on everything that comes with me, child included. I don’t need him in a sense of being needy but in a sense of knowing it’s okay for my man to be here for me.  My daughter doesn’t need a father, and while he isn’t her father; he is a bonus giving his circumstances and personality. He will always have a position in my daughter’s life as long as he’s willing to accept it. It’s not defined by blood, but by his ability to care.

This is how I know I wouldn’t ever leave him. This man strikes my attention; this man gives me the invisible line I need to keep us connected. Maybe you should finally try looking at him in another light. If I can’t guarantee anything else, you will handicap him if you cannot believe in him as I do.

I quote myself:

“I’d like him to go especially if it promotes growth within him.”

“He teaches me the kind of person I don’t want to be, but also the ability to be sensitive to other people’s feelings. Most importantly I feel like he can better himself with or without me. Whatever happens I believe he is more than capable.”               

I’m not discounting anything positive you said about me, because I was not present for this conversation. But what I once thought to be an alli has now become unreadable. I may not be the ideal but we make a difference in each other lives. That’s more than I can say about any other man I’ve come across.I love him, don't ruin an unveiling.

 ~Rihanna -- Stay

Intellectual Disablity

Intelligence is defined as  (1) : the ability to learn or understand or to deal with new or trying situations : reason; also : the skilled use of reason (2) : the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one's environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (as tests) 

Can all intellectuals truly be defined as what the dictionary perceives us to be?? I've always been defined as intelligent, smart, wise beyond my years, to attend an excellent college where only society sees fit and potentially achieve the ultimate goal of being one of the first to earn a degree in my family. And an even greater pressure of being a "bright" foster kid. O.o Back when I was a kid this was acceptable, but present day me says, false representation. 

See the thing about intellectualism is that we think beyond what society defines us as or how people think we should be. And not to say we are better than any one person, but we are on a greater scale thinking beyond all definition. Thus thrusting ourselves in a world as we see fit, in a way where we get the job done, on our own terms, in our own time.

Although my strongest subjects are math and literature, I specifically remember my first signs of a learning disability, Ist grade English. English was social hour for me, anyone who knows me knows I like to talk, debate, share, even if I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, even getting up to dance (later to be diagnosed with ADHD). So of course when the teacher is giving instructions I'm chattering away. When I'm assigned to write five sentences. I have no idea what I'm doing. My solution?? I find a way to copy my neighbor *Chuckles* *Dances*


In the years to follow, I was also diagnosed with dyslexia (read my books upside down too), and a speech impediment, stuttering, I talked 100 wpm (Probably exaggerating, maybe not). Throughout my trying years in school I knew I was different, I learned different, I spoke different, my persona was different. Kids mostly stayed away or tried to bully me because of it. 


Usually my mamma thrust me in "white schools" known to be "higher education" and in some cases I can agree. While being one of the only blacks in school, for years I always felt like I had to prove I was wiser, smarter, better. Because I moved around so much occasionally I had to attend a "black school" considered "lower education" and in some cases I can agree. Where I couldn't be too smart, instead I had to prove I was tougher, stronger, and badder. I was never white enough for the white schools or black enough for the black schools. And all the while I still never learned the rules of English. 


Yet I was the worst and best student to deal with. Middle and high school I attended "black schools" physically fought all the time, I was insubordinate with my teachers, class clown, never followed instructions as told. I did things my way, in my time, and still came out on top. I never understood what the hell I was doing. It had to be drilled in my head 10,000 times before I maybe understood it their way. I didn't catch on very fast, but my mind spins 100 times per minute, so everything was rushed. I didn't have time for instruction, yet I did and do everything "backwards" or take the long way. Nothing is ever simple, but it works for me. I had to be book smart and street smart and this is simply how I've always gotten by. Don't get me wrong I was bright, most of the time one of the first students done with an IN class assignment, I challenged anyone to get done before me and dare it be  or right or better than mine, Don't worry later in life I was humbled to a degree lol.

I soak materiel up like a sponge, don't give me a book to read, I'm a visual learner, seeing is hearing. If you can get me to sit still long enough. Give me something to do with my hands while instructing and I still may find away to do it myself. I can soak up interested knowledge but I can't remember song lyrics or a famous person's name for shit. I also get bored easily, if I've read about a subject, I collect the information than I toss it out of my vault permanently. I never forget the information, just the outline of the information. Names, dates, location...For instance, I can describe a movie but totally forget the title and characters named. I don't remember (driving) directions, giving me directions is like giving a trigonometry problem to an English major. I envision the location and visualize a picture of where I'm going in my head instead.


I remember my first anxiety attack, in college, taking a math exam. I'm thinking to myself, "What the hell!! This is my very best subject." I sat in the lab for 2 1/2 hours tripping, for anyone who knows how that feels, knows it's truly crazy. I came outta there with a score of 100%. Another cork, I work best under pressure and extreme circumstances; headaches and all. Hence why all my work is done at the very last minute, a lot of times almost late. 


I've never studied for a test/exam/midterm/final, I never get nervous about an assignment and I'm super cocky and carefree about it. I know I have it in the box. I know I'm going to get one of the highest scores, yet I never passed a MEAP or CAT test. I just didn't care to try, although I had one of the best scores on my ACT test (I never studied for). I passed a test based on one or two things. Passing because I wanted too or passing because I had too. In some cases I'd pass the midterm because I was acting out in class (brings my grades low), which gave me an A+ overall. Or I knew I did so well the whole term, that I wouldn't bother to score high on the midterm. I always had it in the bag. And of course if I was on a scoring curve, I'd charm my way into teachers pet all while manipulating the system. The joys of having a mother as a hustler. Although I never learned the rules of English I can write a mean essay, matter of fact, made lots of cheddar in high school. Also, I write the most interesting poems.


Despite my behavior and my obvious dysfunctional learning I graduated high school with numerous awards and achievements, was offered scholarships to some of the best colleges, offered opportunities and won numerous awards. I joined programs, did volunteer work, college prep classes, etc. But ten years later, non of that even matters. And here's where my defining stage takes a turn... 

I think therefore I'm dangerous

After high school, you get out in the world and it's totally different, no one is truly prepared for what they throw at you. I don't care what you achieve or how many goals you make. If no one is there to guide you, you will ultimately fail. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. You need wit. The system will beat you before you achieve it. I was bombarded with the pressures of a good college, put on a pedestal for all of my hard work and dedication. When in reality I never had to work hard at all, not in the end. I loved engineering, took up electricity in a community college. Why didn't I choose a University?? I didn't want to do what society thought I should do. I also realized after four years of engineering, I was fulfilling everybody else expectations. I was almost done with my degree and I stopped. Since when I did I do what I thought I should do, when I've always done what I wanted to do?? After I stopped going to school, I felt shameful, lost, I struggled for years to find and maintain myself. 

But I could never forget how intelligent, smart and beyond my years I am. Not by anybody standards but mine. I'm weird, a bit off, hella goofy. But I gets the job done, I will never apologize about it. So I say fuck society and their standards and forget what other people expect of me, but I will NEVER forget the ones who helped me through. Welcome to middle America, where all I know is government peanut butter, survival skills, and a bunch of nonsense higher education, not that I don't like to educate myself.

My Outline, Not Societies Preservations

 "The rest is unwritten, but I'm the one writing it this time, and all I've got is an outline and some ideas scribbled on napkins. I realize all stories are not what they seem, there's always an excerpt at the end."

Protection

"When we commit to sharing life with anyone (family members, lovers, husbands, wives, and friends) it is INEVITABLE that we will hurt one another over and over.

This cycle tends to put us in a state of protectionism where we focus more on how to protect ourselves from the very people we actually want to be close to. We can't put up shields and expect that closeness or intimacy will be bred from it no matter how justifiable the reasoning.

My biggest misconception has been the belief that we all know how to love and treat one another from the start, which can make it very difficult to be understanding when hurtful things happen and not to take it personally.

My understanding now is we are here LEARNING how to love and be our greatest selves to one another.

Life and the people in it are not meant to be perfect. My understanding now is that we are in a constant cycle of learning, expanding, and reaching for our greatest selves together through this trying but glorious journey called life."

"The best protection we have is becoming the best versions of our selves."

Inspiring words from Mrs. Jada Pinkett-Smith

In the case of my strange relationship with my latest misfit of a "partner" he holds himself reserved. Such a barrier within himself that he cannot seem to break free, which in turn causes the cycle of protectiveness. Until recently I was trending this same road. So hurt in the past that I was using my protection tactics in trying to pick his brain when in turn all I was doing was hindering our relationship. 

In the most recent event that has taken place between us I only wish that he takes these words in stride as I. Instead of reducing himself to a doom he isn't entitled to, to a life of solitude barley enjoying the wonders of companionship, romance, discoveries, and mediocrities; missing out on so much other than his confined cardboard box. A tough nut to crack, but one shell I'm willing to chip away at til I get to the very depths of his almond joy.

I want to become the best me version of myself before I destroy someone who has the potential to become the best version of himself. Patience and understanding is in commence.

~Ladytron--Last One Standing

Ren Tin Tin

 Born to a world of comedic cartoons and interesting relationships. Ren and Stimpy was the first cartoon I could never put my finger on. One of the funniest shows I've ever seen, but as a child I can remember scratching my head at the character personalities. Is this cartoon a little off or is it just me? Needless to say it was my very source of entertainment on Nickelodeon and my occasionally sneaks to MTV. 

Present day I am most interested in this cartoon, reaching out to my root cartoon, where the phrase, "No Sir, I don't like it." coming from a big gray sophisticated horse was my favorite line to date. As I'm watching Ren and Stimpy subliminal messages are slapping me in the face. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" is all I'm screaming throughout the whole show. Than I get a glimpse of the adult program, who would have thunk?! I knew Ren and Stimpy were to good to be true for children. 

Incredible how we miss things like this when we're children, yet parents are so worried about these kinds of programs. Guess What? They don't know any better, My brother and I didn't! As I let my daughter watch Spongebob SquarePants, in which some parents have this personal vendetta against anything that isn't singing a gay friendly do-woop. I watch her closely and see me when I was young. She's not translating words into bad language, looking at Spongebob and Patrick as if they are a couple. She is simply absorbing a silly friendship with misfit adventures, and for her it's just funny entertainment just like it was for me in my day. My Ren and Stimpy is her Spongebob SqaurePants....Although I have to admit Ren and Stimpy is by far worst than Spongebob, hence why parent's shouldn't trip.