Mixed Satisfaction, Mixed Guilt

I wake up and my stomach drops
My heart pounding non-stop
As guilt washes over me from the news I sought
I sit and ponder if I feel on top

I feel a sense of entitlement
I feel a sense of excitement
I feel a sense of satisfaction
In hopes I let him have it

But then it seeped down in my soul
I heard his voice, how could I let this go
And now I know
I was instantly living in the past
Spending too much time watching it crash

My guilt is wrapped around joy
That freed my misery where there lies a void
I just knew this would end us
I'd be free of all loves vices and its pain that holds prices

But like he always does
He snapped back, forgiving me in the same breath
All I could do was hold his heart in the palm of my hand
As he means no harm doing the best he can

All in light of this I still don't see an ending
To something so bittersweet
I guess love can withstand even me
When it's meant to be

Ben E. King -- Stand by Me

**Refer to "Protection"

Protection

"When we commit to sharing life with anyone (family members, lovers, husbands, wives, and friends) it is INEVITABLE that we will hurt one another over and over.

This cycle tends to put us in a state of protectionism where we focus more on how to protect ourselves from the very people we actually want to be close to. We can't put up shields and expect that closeness or intimacy will be bred from it no matter how justifiable the reasoning.

My biggest misconception has been the belief that we all know how to love and treat one another from the start, which can make it very difficult to be understanding when hurtful things happen and not to take it personally.

My understanding now is we are here LEARNING how to love and be our greatest selves to one another.

Life and the people in it are not meant to be perfect. My understanding now is that we are in a constant cycle of learning, expanding, and reaching for our greatest selves together through this trying but glorious journey called life."

"The best protection we have is becoming the best versions of our selves."

Inspiring words from Mrs. Jada Pinkett-Smith

In the case of my strange relationship with my latest misfit of a "partner" he holds himself reserved. Such a barrier within himself that he cannot seem to break free, which in turn causes the cycle of protectiveness. Until recently I was trending this same road. So hurt in the past that I was using my protection tactics in trying to pick his brain when in turn all I was doing was hindering our relationship. 

In the most recent event that has taken place between us I only wish that he takes these words in stride as I. Instead of reducing himself to a doom he isn't entitled to, to a life of solitude barley enjoying the wonders of companionship, romance, discoveries, and mediocrities; missing out on so much other than his confined cardboard box. A tough nut to crack, but one shell I'm willing to chip away at til I get to the very depths of his almond joy.

I want to become the best me version of myself before I destroy someone who has the potential to become the best version of himself. Patience and understanding is in commence.

~Ladytron--Last One Standing