Can all intellectuals truly be defined as what the dictionary perceives us to be?? I've always been defined as intelligent, smart, wise beyond my years, to attend an excellent college where only society sees fit and potentially achieve the ultimate goal of being one of the first to earn a degree in my family. And an even greater pressure of being a "bright" foster kid. O.o Back when I was a kid this was acceptable, but present day me says, false representation.
See the thing about intellectualism is that we think beyond what society defines us as or how people think we should be. And not to say we are better than any one person, but we are on a greater scale thinking beyond all definition. Thus thrusting ourselves in a world as we see fit, in a way where we get the job done, on our own terms, in our own time.
Although my strongest subjects are math and literature, I specifically remember my first signs of a learning disability, Ist grade English. English was social hour for me, anyone who knows me knows I like to talk, debate, share, even if I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, even getting up to dance (later to be diagnosed with ADHD). So of course when the teacher is giving instructions I'm chattering away. When I'm assigned to write five sentences. I have no idea what I'm doing. My solution?? I find a way to copy my neighbor *Chuckles* *Dances*
In the years to follow, I was also diagnosed with dyslexia (read my books upside down too), and a speech impediment, stuttering, I talked 100 wpm (Probably exaggerating, maybe not). Throughout my trying years in school I knew I was different, I learned different, I spoke different, my persona was different. Kids mostly stayed away or tried to bully me because of it.
Usually my mamma thrust me in "white schools" known to be "higher education" and in some cases I can agree. While being one of the only blacks in school, for years I always felt like I had to prove I was wiser, smarter, better. Because I moved around so much occasionally I had to attend a "black school" considered "lower education" and in some cases I can agree. Where I couldn't be too smart, instead I had to prove I was tougher, stronger, and badder. I was never white enough for the white schools or black enough for the black schools. And all the while I still never learned the rules of English.
Yet I was the worst and best student to deal with. Middle and high school I attended "black schools" physically fought all the time, I was insubordinate with my teachers, class clown, never followed instructions as told. I did things my way, in my time, and still came out on top. I never understood what the hell I was doing. It had to be drilled in my head 10,000 times before I maybe understood it their way. I didn't catch on very fast, but my mind spins 100 times per minute, so everything was rushed. I didn't have time for instruction, yet I did and do everything "backwards" or take the long way. Nothing is ever simple, but it works for me. I had to be book smart and street smart and this is simply how I've always gotten by. Don't get me wrong I was bright, most of the time one of the first students done with an IN class assignment, I challenged anyone to get done before me and dare it be or right or better than mine, Don't worry later in life I was humbled to a degree lol.
I soak materiel up like a sponge, don't give me a book to read, I'm a visual learner, seeing is hearing. If you can get me to sit still long enough. Give me something to do with my hands while instructing and I still may find away to do it myself. I can soak up interested knowledge but I can't remember song lyrics or a famous person's name for shit. I also get bored easily, if I've read about a subject, I collect the information than I toss it out of my vault permanently. I never forget the information, just the outline of the information. Names, dates, location...For instance, I can describe a movie but totally forget the title and characters named. I don't remember (driving) directions, giving me directions is like giving a trigonometry problem to an English major. I envision the location and visualize a picture of where I'm going in my head instead.
I remember my first anxiety attack, in college, taking a math exam. I'm thinking to myself, "What the hell!! This is my very best subject." I sat in the lab for 2 1/2 hours tripping, for anyone who knows how that feels, knows it's truly crazy. I came outta there with a score of 100%. Another cork, I work best under pressure and extreme circumstances; headaches and all. Hence why all my work is done at the very last minute, a lot of times almost late.
I've never studied for a test/exam/midterm/final, I never get nervous about an assignment and I'm super cocky and carefree about it. I know I have it in the box. I know I'm going to get one of the highest scores, yet I never passed a MEAP or CAT test. I just didn't care to try, although I had one of the best scores on my ACT test (I never studied for). I passed a test based on one or two things. Passing because I wanted too or passing because I had too. In some cases I'd pass the midterm because I was acting out in class (brings my grades low), which gave me an A+ overall. Or I knew I did so well the whole term, that I wouldn't bother to score high on the midterm. I always had it in the bag. And of course if I was on a scoring curve, I'd charm my way into teachers pet all while manipulating the system. The joys of having a mother as a hustler. Although I never learned the rules of English I can write a mean essay, matter of fact, made lots of cheddar in high school. Also, I write the most interesting poems.
Despite my behavior and my obvious dysfunctional learning I graduated high school with numerous awards and achievements, was offered scholarships to some of the best colleges, offered opportunities and won numerous awards. I joined programs, did volunteer work, college prep classes, etc. But ten years later, non of that even matters. And here's where my defining stage takes a turn...
I think therefore I'm dangerous
After high school, you get out in the world and it's totally different, no one is truly prepared for what they throw at you. I don't care what you achieve or how many goals you make. If no one is there to guide you, you will ultimately fail. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. You need wit. The system will beat you before you achieve it. I was bombarded with the pressures of a good college, put on a pedestal for all of my hard work and dedication. When in reality I never had to work hard at all, not in the end. I loved engineering, took up electricity in a community college. Why didn't I choose a University?? I didn't want to do what society thought I should do. I also realized after four years of engineering, I was fulfilling everybody else expectations. I was almost done with my degree and I stopped. Since when I did I do what I thought I should do, when I've always done what I wanted to do?? After I stopped going to school, I felt shameful, lost, I struggled for years to find and maintain myself.
But I could never forget how intelligent, smart and beyond my years I am. Not by anybody standards but mine. I'm weird, a bit off, hella goofy. But I gets the job done, I will never apologize about it. So I say fuck society and their standards and forget what other people expect of me, but I will NEVER forget the ones who helped me through. Welcome to middle America, where all I know is government peanut butter, survival skills, and a bunch of nonsense higher education, not that I don't like to educate myself.
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| My Outline, Not Societies Preservations |
"The rest is unwritten, but I'm the one writing it this time, and all
I've got is an outline and some ideas scribbled on napkins. I realize
all stories are not what they seem, there's always an excerpt at the
end."
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